#and the chickens LMFAOOO

[melancholyofautvmn]

i don't have any opinions on him politically yet, but my friends have been sending me videos of sandiaga uno doing wild shit all day and this is soooooo funny to me 😭😭😭

[fearandhatred]

to rome: a play by fearandhatred

(5k words, 1/1 chapters)

While trying to tempt Caligula, Crowley makes a discovery that renders all his efforts for naught. But then it turns out that Aziraphale is here too, so maybe his trip to Rome isn't wasted after all.

***highly recommended to read on a phone because of the Multiplicity Of Line Breaks that just look very weird on a laptop unless your font size is huge

-----

i've always loved the idea of crowley falling in love with aziraphale in rome. in some ways it really is my roman empire so i figured i might as well make it happen! featuring many shenanigans and an annoying emperor :)

any and all support is greatly appreciated <3

anyway it all started with a dream:

so this is for @eybefioro @captainblou @crowleys-bentley-and-plants who challenged me to write a fic with no angst and also, coincidentally, for that one commenter who asked me on the same day if i would consider writing something happy for once. against all odds and with much difficulty, i have done it. love u guys sm <333

[pant--eater]

plot twist: the new Wallace and gromit film is actually about how Wallace meets Willard and falls in love THEN decide to put their skills together and romantically make things. The gnome makes sense cuz Willard literally says in CR "Ohh Gnomes now?" SO Willard and Wallace go on a date and make robot gnomes that knit.

Then they have to fight off Feathers in an epic battle scene and Wallace stares at Willard as he fights but it's all slow motion and he's all glowy whilst Wallace basically drools with hearts eyes. Gromit just stood there with a tea absolutely done with everything.

Sorry if this is really weirdly written I can't word things very well aaaaa thank you for coming to my Ted talk BYEEEE

LEAKING IMPORTANT SPOILERY PLOT DETAILS OF THE UPCOMING MOVIE LIKE THIS??? smh man not cool /j /lh

anon you have a GALAXY BRAIN, I had entirely forgotten about Willard's "oh gnomes now" line. It's all coming together, his line was all about foreshadowing his upcoming redemption arc and slowburn yaoi with the disastrous inventor (also apparently the Smart Gnome is gonna be a metaphor for AI art and how it drains Wallace of his invention creativity?? Yeah Willard's got experience with an awful techbro ex-wife, he ain't having anyone take away his autism creature boyfriend's joy and whimsy)

[leviathiane]

Bad: every kill I got didn't feel like it changed anything.

Slime: Sure didn't stop you though, did it.

[deadpuppetboi]

Omg omg Puppet!Garret is such a good theory and makes sense. AND AHDHD I HOPE ITS TRUE AND CANON IN THE SECIND FILM NGL. But god this poor kid has to deal with 5 other little fucks/affectionate (one of them being Cassidy good lord) I can imagine the stress he must have dealing with that one.

Okay but IMAGINE this scenario-

Jeremy made Gabriel cry because he kept booping his nose and was angry for being put in the corner as punishment.

Gabriel is upset and wants to sing his favorite song but can't find his microphone anywhere.

Susie is using Gabriel’s microphone to play fetch with Carl (no, she did not ask for permission).

Fritz is RUNNING from one part of the pizzeria to another and even though he’ll fall and cry, he doesn't care and does it anyway.

And Cassidy is crawling on the walls. Full suit. ON. THE. GODDAMN. WALLS.

And then there’s Garrett-

[circuscl0wn]

NAH THIS IS HILARIOUS

He knows he ate her up💀

[goofily-moved]

Erm… did y’all know the “why did the chicken cross the road” joke was about the chicken dying bc I just learned that 😭

[lost-my-sanity1]

gay panic × heart

[warcrimesimulator]

soooo true bestie

[cheemken]

While I'm still gathering Lilya's i3 materials, might as well try different strats to try and beat Isolde for the meantime

[hookechoes]

This week’s food experiment went much better than last week’s. I basically made John Kanell’s broccoli cheddar soup but used cooked bacon grease for the roux, and roasted potatoes and carrots in the oven before adding them. Sprinkled the bacon bits on top at the end and voila

[psychesetra]

pino lying around being unconcsious and everyone's like "oh my god get your bird checked" not knowing that bird is currently representing rody's (hidden) state

wish there were sickfics where rody's the one who gets sick... i love when a character tries to hide that they are unwell, it'd be a fun trope to use with rody because of pino

[lowkeyrobin]

MCYT with a reader who would literally get into a fist fight for them?? Literally, if someone even looks at them wrong reader will throw hands. It's literally that meme (Random person) "GET YO FUCKING DOG BITCH" (MCYT) "it don't bite" "YES IT FUCKIN DO-" I'm sorry I'm feeling silly 😔

OH MY FUCKING GOD I LOVE THIS PROMPT AND THE REFERENCE TO THIS MEME LMFAOOO OH MY LORD BSHWJRHEJJAJW ; very vine oriented so I apologize. you threw me into a loop referencing that

MCYT ; "anytime, anywhere, I'd beat a bitches ass for you"

includes ; tommyinnit, ranboo, badlinu, nihachu, slimecicle, quackity, & foolish gamers

warnings ; language, talk of blood/injuries, physical fighting, vine cringe because I got very carried away and you can tell

masterlist

TOMMYINNIT

he was one of those kids in high school that made light offensive jokes but would never fight anyone over anything, he's not a violent person at all other than in his jokes

but God forbid some random person look at you two weird in public, you're on their ass

you're more offended that they were judging Tommy at all, you couldn't care that they were judging you

"sorry, do you have a problem?" You squint your eyes at the person, "me and my boyfriend are just trying to shop and you keep following us around and staring, like, can I help you?"

just a teenage Karen

yall do take it outside when the motherfucker follows you out and begins to record you

you beat this fuckers ass to a PULP

Tommy's just holding the few bags of stuff you'd purchased staring down, jaw on the fucking floor like "Oh my God wtf do I do"

he had the vlog camera on so he kinda got it all on video before he pulled you away from the person

yall sprinted the hell away bc the security guards were running towards yall 😭😭

#neveridentified

#the person admitted guilt anyways and said they were planning to hurt you so no point in trying to track yall down for self defense

#i barely know the law shush

RANBOO

they just kind of accepted that you were like this

"I do not endorse violence unless you are y/n. I can't make them un-violent. I have tried, they're a vicious guard dog now"

hurricane Katrina? more like hurricane tortilla when you enter the building

yk the free style dance teacher vine? that'll be ranboo out in public and someone will stare at them all weird and you'll glare back

"walk away, walk away" you mumble, watching the person hurrily walk away as they see you like glaring daggers into their skull

your dynamic is the one vine that's like "Oh can I have a sip of your water?" and "It's not water or vodka, it's vinegar" "bitch what"

then you'll go make angsty edge lord posts to the one bojack horseman audio "I'm not a violent dog" and insert a clip of you beating the shit out of someone in high school

FREDDIE BADLINU

you post the "look at all those chickens" vine on your Twitter everytime you see a hate comment made for one of you

you love instigating fights w people online it's the funniest fucking thing

if you don't know how to reply to some dumbass edgelord response you'll just spam the guacamole vine until they shut up

"wait, why does y/n have so many soaps?"

"MIND YOUR FUCKIN BUISNESS DAVID"

Freddie's response to your violence is usually the saxophone seal vine. he genuinely laughs everytime he sees you fighting w someone online

sometimes you'll stream it while you wait for a response and while you're fighting online trolls who've been brainwashed by Twitter

"You're gay?!?!?!?11??11"

insert the "ms keisha dead" vine and the battle is over idk what to say

fight fire with fire I guess

NIKI NIHACHU

she hates yet loves that you'd fight ppl for her

oh, someone treated her wrong? you'll be trending on Twitter for fighting the person

#y/u/n will literally be at number 1 for a week

people edit the fight too

she appreciates it though, even though she doesn't exactly like to promote violence, she'll accept it from you

"Oh, don't worry about them, they're just a little... nervous around people sometimes"

"nervous? girl that mf is SNARLING at me"

you'll see a post that's like "me when someone tries to start shit w my s/o" and reply with the "hahaha I do that" vine

when I tell you she CACKLES reading online fights with people 😭🙏

CHARLIE SLIMECICLE

"get the F off my yard!" proceeds to have to drag you away from situations where someone's actin a little funny in a /neg way

he genuinely thinks you fighting people for him is funny

he'll tell the stories on stream and to his friends like "dude they fucked this guy up, I honestly feel bad for laughing"

honestly most the time it's people victimizing themselves

like that one meme where the lady very obviously and fakely falls over that bench on LIVE TELEVISION.

he's your biggest supporter

he's the old guy from that one vine of the kid singing "Oh wait a minute mister postman" and he does the whole ass high note

"here's y/n fighting someone for idk what because they're talking to the police 😋"

you're a problem at this point

QUACKITY

you've physically fought so many wild racists for him it's crazy

he'll gladly cheer you on

"AHHHH COME GET YO DOG BRO HELP"

"Oh it don't bite"

you proceed to bite the bitch

online fights are usually responded w the purple teletubby twerking meme

"L don't be a weak ass racist pussy next time"

you fight Logan Paul for some reason??? Twitter drama mostly

don't worry quackitys there to watch

17-3 don't worry... ehehehrhahahha

when he tells you that you need to stop instigating fights you send him the "They ask you how you are but you just have to say that you're fine when you're not really fine" meme BAHDNHAHA

FOOLISH GAMERS

"YOU KNOW WHAT DUDE? IM OUTTA HERE" vine in a nutshell with you two. I can't explain this but it makes sense I swear

"whatd you do to your eyebrows?" meme except its "Whyd you fight that person!?" "I don't really know!"

Twitter fights are like "and they were roommates!" "ohmygodtheywereroomates" I swear to fucking god

you love instigating shit with Twitter trolls

when you stand up for him/reply to edgelord haters for him he replies with the "country boy I love youuuuuuu" vine

"GIVE ME YOUR FUCKIN MONEY!" vine with the law and order intro is literallt how physical fights go

let's just say some stalker edgelords tracked you guys down at the streamer awards...

HE AND PUNZ GENUINLEY CHEER YOU ON

here you go trending on Twitter again

[happy74827]

I'm not sure if requests are open but I just wanted to ask if you could write Gideon graves with a bossy/dominant reader

Also I absolutely love all of your fics they are so good!! ☺

Powerless

[Gideon Graves x Female!Reader]

Synopsis: Gideon had always made people believe he was the man in charge with his brashness. But when he goes too far, you decide to put him in his place.

WC: 2255

Category: Spice/Lime

Hopefully by bossy/dominant reader you meant Gideon being a begging mess… because that’s what I wrote lmfaooo

『••✎••』

Gideon Graves sat across from you in the upscale restaurant, the clinking of cutlery and the soft murmur of conversation forming a soothing soundtrack to the night. He looked handsome in his tuxedo, the sharp lines and high-quality material only highlighting his strong shoulders and narrow waist and his long, lithe body that had so often pressed against yours. He watched you across the table, his dark eyes following your movements as you lifted your glass and took a small sip.

"The food is delicious," you said. "But then, I should've expected that. You always have to show off."

Gideon's lips quirked, his gaze lingering on your mouth.

"What?" you said.

"I'm enjoying myself," he murmured, reaching across the table for his own glass of wine. "We haven't done this in a while. I'd forgotten how much fun it is."

"That's because you're the most insufferable person I've ever met."

"Is that why you keep me around?"

Truth be told, there were a lot of reasons. He was attractive and charismatic, with a sharp mind and a quick wit, not to mention a tongue that was just as wicked as it was talented. But that was all surface, and what really kept you around were the things he kept hidden. The way he would smile and his eyes would soften, the way he'd sometimes rest his chin on your shoulder, his arms wrapped around you as you watched a movie, the way he would kiss you like he needed your breath to live.

"Something like that," you said.

You leaned across the table, and his eyes glittered, anticipating a kiss. But you stopped just short of his mouth.

This was Gideon’s reason for “keeping” you. The thrill of the chase, the game of dominance. You were both the hunter and the hunted, the cat and the mouse. Though, on paper, he was the one with all the power, all the money, and influence, but you knew who was really in control. And you made sure to remind him of it whenever the opportunity arose.

He watched you, his expression unreadable, his face impassive. You waited, not moving a muscle, watching him watch you. It was a battle of wills, a game of chicken. He broke first, leaning forward to close the gap between you, but you leaned back just enough so his mouth missed yours, catching your bottom lip between his teeth instead. You held his gaze, watching the dark fire in his eyes, the hunger in his face. You waited a few moments until his expression grew impatient, and then you pulled away, leaving him grasping at air.

He smiled, the edges of his expression turning dangerous.

"Dessert?" he said.

You grinned. “Yes, actually.”

Gideon chuckled, that pissed-off smile still in place. He snapped his fingers, and a waiter hurried over. You hated it when he did that, but you had to admit, it was effective.

"Hey, man," he said, looking down his nose at the waiter. "Say…what do you have for dessert here? You got anything chocolate?"

"Chocolate mousse, sir," the waiter said.

"Cool, yeah, I'll take one of those. What about you, Honey?” He knew how much you hated it when he called you by pet names. That’s why he did it. “I know you love your chocolate. Oh, but not too much, now. We have to watch our figures."

You were absolutely livid. You glared at him from across the table, but his smirk didn’t waver. He could read your emotions like an open book.

"I'm going to the bathroom," you said.

"I'll call if our food arrives," he said, giving you a wink. As you got up, secretly fuming, you saw the waiter glance over at him, a nervous look on his face. Gideon caught the look but simply told the waiter to add another chocolate mousse to his order.

At least he knew what you liked.

The bathroom was a welcome escape from the tension. You splashed water on your face, breathing deep. When you had calmed down enough, you exited the bathroom, only to find Gideon waiting for you by the door.

"I ordered some champagne for you," he said, and though his tone was innocent, his expression was not. “I thought it would help wash the chocolate down."

You exploded. All that was on your mind was the memory of the bathroom being completely empty. With the assurance that no one else was around, you grabbed his lapels and shoved him into the bathroom. He barely had time to gasp in surprise before you shoved him against the wall, pinning him there.

All the sarcasm and snark left him, replaced by a wide-eyed stare and flushed cheeks. His chest rose and fell rapidly, his breath coming in short pants.

"Are you out of your mind?" He managed to say, but his voice shook. You had him right where you wanted him.

"What, Gideon? Did I ruin your little game?" You pressed yourself closer, the heat of his body radiating through his clothes. His skin was so warm. You felt the outline of his body through the fabric, the hard line of his waist, his chest. You slid your hands along the edge of his coat, feeling his ribs, his heart.

"No," he said. His eyes were wide, and you could feel him trembling. He was always like this, at the mercy of his own desires, his own wanton lust. It was so easy to play him, to manipulate him. You didn't even need to use your powers; it was his own weakness. He was putty in your hands. "Not yet."

You moved your hand down, over his stomach, and lower, between his legs. He moaned, his head falling back against the wall. His skin was so hot, you could feel it through the fabric. He was hard, and his hips twitched, seeking more contact.

"Don't stop," he said, his voice strained.

"Why shouldn't I?"

He didn't answer. He was just a panting, desperate mess, a slave to his own urges.

You pulled away, and his face fell, the flush draining from his cheeks. This was his punishment, and you loved every second of it.

"I think we should go back," you said. "Before our dessert gets cold."

"I'll buy the whole restaurant," he said.

You raised your eyebrows, and his expression darkened.

"Anything," he said. "Anything, I'll buy it. You want the fucking moon? It's yours."

You laughed. "That's not how it works, Gideon."

"Please," he begged. "Let me..."

You leaned in close. His breath was hot against your cheek, his heartbeat racing. Gideon was the picture of desperation, and you were the only one who could bring him this far, the only one who could make him lose control. You kissed him, and he groaned, his hips bucking into your hand. He was so eager, so pliant. He was at your mercy.

"I want my mousse," you whispered. “And I want all the teasing to stop. I've been a good girl, haven't I?"

He whimpered. "Yes."

"So, I think you owe me a reward, don't you?"

"Yes, yes," he said, nodding quickly.

"Good.”

He shuddered, closing his eyes. You could see his chest rising and falling as he took a few deep breaths, calming himself. He swallowed and opened his eyes again; the fire returned to his gaze. He gave you a smile, a real one, the kind of smile that made your stomach flutter.

“Home, then? I imagine.” He ran his fingers through his hair, smoothing the disheveled strands. He took a step towards you, and you moved away. His smile widened.

"Nope. You’re not getting anything tonight. You'll have to prove to me that you can behave, or I'll leave you in the cold."

His expression fell.

"And, no, that's not a euphemism," you added.

"That's not fair."

"Well, life isn't fair, is it?"

"I'll take a cab home," he said, a slight growl to his voice.

"You won't. Because I know that the second I leave, you're going to get yourself off."

"You can't tell me what to do," he said, and a small smirk spread across his face. He was trying to get a rise out of you.

"You're right. I can't. But I know that if you don't listen to me, you'll never get what you want. And if you want me, then you better be a good boy."

He bit his lip, his eyes flicking over your body.

"Okay," he said, finally. "I'll be a good boy. Promise."

"Good. Now let's go have our mousse."

Gideon groaned, his expression pained.

You giggled. "I mean, unless you'd rather just go home..."

"No," he said quickly. "No, no. Mousse is good. Great."

You smirked. "That's what I thought."

The two of you headed back out, and Gideon took his seat, looking more composed than before, though he was still flushed.

"You okay, there?" You said innocently.

"Mhmm."

"I mean, if you'd like, I can ask the waiter for some water or-"

"I'm fine," he snapped.

"Good. I'd hate to see you suffer."

He looked at you, and his expression was pained. But you ignored it. The mousse was placed in front of you, and you dug in. It was rich and smooth and absolutely delicious.

“Thanks, honey," you said, flashing a smile at Gideon. You might’ve slammed him into the wall and practically choked him with lust, but the mousse was delicious, and you had to thank him for that. You’ve always been good with manners.

Gideon smiled back, though it was clearly forced.

"You're welcome," he said.

The rest of the night was pleasant despite his suffering. He kept quiet, his eyes lingering on you, watching your every move. You finished your mousse and asked for the bill, and Gideon paid for the entire meal. You felt slightly bad since the check was more than the down payment for your apartment, but Gideon assured you that it was fine and that money was no object.

He escorted you out, and the valet brought the car around. He opened the door for you, and you slipped inside. You watched him walk around to the other side and climb in. He was so graceful, like a dancer or a model.

"Where to?" He said.

"Yours," you said simply, with a soft smile.

He paused, his eyes widening with surprise. And then, his expression softened, his features becoming relaxed. His smile was warm, and he nodded.

"Of course."

Gideon might’ve kept his cool in front of the valet and the staff at the restaurant, but the second the two of you stepped inside his apartment, his composure began to crumble just as you knew it would. His eyes were glazed over with desire, his breathing was shallow, and his cheeks flushed.

This was the Gideon you wanted. This was the Gideon you craved.

He followed you inside, and as soon as the door closed and you allowed him to, he pushed you up against the wall. You let him kiss you, his mouth warm and soft, his tongue darting out to tease yours. He was eager, his hands gripping your hips. He was still holding back, trying not to let himself go, but you knew he couldn't resist.

"Touch me," you demanded, and he groaned, his lips sliding down to your neck. He kissed your throat, his teeth scraping lightly over your skin. He was gentle, but you could tell he wanted more. You tilted your head back, giving him access to the smooth expanse of your neck, and he obliged, his tongue and teeth working together to tease and torture.

You sighed, letting him pleasure you. He was so talented, so skilled. It was hard to believe that the man who could give you such blissful, agonizing ecstasy was the same man who could make your blood boil and your skin crawl.

"Fuck," you breathed as he nipped at your collarbone. He knew all the places to touch, to tease. He could play your body like a finely tuned instrument, drawing out every last note.

He lifted his head, his eyes dark and hooded. His lips were swollen, his breath coming in hot pants.

"I want you," he whispered.

"I know."

"Let me have you."

"Not yet."

"Please.” He was begging again. You loved it.

"Soon."

"Now."

"Be patient, Gideon."

He whimpered. You could feel his hands trembling, his hips twitching against yours. He was straining against his clothes, aching for release.

And unfortunately for him, the night was only just beginning, and you happened to love it when he was begging and pleading for release.

So, with a coy smile, you pulled away and started towards his bedroom. He was frozen in place, his expression dazed and his cheeks flushed. His gaze followed you as you moved, watching as you undressed.

You removed your blouse, letting the silky fabric slip off your shoulders and down your arms. You tossed it aside and unclasped your bra, letting it join the pile of discarded clothing. Your skirt followed suit, pooling at your feet. Gideon swallowed hard, his Adam's apple bobbing.

You stepped out of your clothes and turned around, heading towards the bedroom, leaving him behind. He didn't follow. You heard a low moan and the soft shuffle of clothes. You couldn't help but smirk.

The bed was soft and warm. You stretched out on the covers, running your fingers through your hair.

And with one simple word, you made him forget everything.

"Come.”

[moe-broey]

HELP.......

Moe voice the goddesses are doing some crusty little white dog shit to me.

Also when I make shitposty jokes like that I LOVE taking them Way Too Seriously. Like. Yeah that's funny, but what does it Mean actually, for Freyja to say all that to Moe? Is she propping herself up, rubbing salt in the wounds of someone who could not achieve "goodness" as presented to it, by explicitly stating she was raised as a lotus flower, already a pure and divine being from the start? Who, as you can plainly see, manages to embody that purity and divinity to this day, whereas Moe has failed to? By saying she smells nice like vanilla all the time, does that imply that Moe could stand to have better hygiene habits, or at least is self-conscious of the times it gets forgetful and/or neglectful in that regard? Or at very least is just extremely self-conscious that it sweats a lot when nervous (which is nearly all the damn time)? And when Freyja leaves the beetle for dead in such a specific way, is Moe thinking of and empathizing with the protagonist of Franz Kafka's The Metamorphosis?

[madhatterbri]

Did anyone else Jack Perry segment cut into a damn Taco Bell commercial? 💀

I was like yoooo chicken quesadilla does sound good. Lmfaooo.